I am used to having a fairly tight and regular turn over of friends in my life. This used to be something that really vexed me, but I have since thrown my hands up in resignation. At least it's something I can count on. Every year since my family life finally settled down (or at least as much as it was going to) when I was in middle school, I could count on the fact that each summer would represent getting close to new people.
As I have grown older, this has not changed.
As you can imagine, this brings mixed feelings. I look around my circle at any given time and wonder who will be the ones to phase out, and wonder who the new ones will be. I feel like a sage old wizard when someone exits, as if I had known all along. I feel like an excited little schoolgirl when I meet someone new and feel that spark. The "I would like to get to know you better" spark.
I like those feelings.
I feel like I'm always on the search for the elusive true best friend. I have found it in Corey, and recognized it, and so I have made him my life partner. It would be nice to have a few 'just friends' that I could place firmly in the 'best friend' category. I have best friends, yeah, but sometimes I don't feel like there's anyone who I can talk about literally anything with. I am interested in a lot of subjects, and a lot of them are kind of random or obscure or just generally in the minority of public thought. Sometimes I feel like I filter myself around other people, because I am afraid that they wouldn't care about the things I like as happily and enthusiastically as I do about the things that they like. Maybe it's just the enthusiasm that is lacking..hm.
I know they'll show up. It has to happen eventually.
I'm feeling compelled to write about this because of a party that I went to on Saturday night. I went by myself, though I invited several of my usual consorts. I really, really really enjoyed it. It was a big kegger, and there were a lot of people that I'm only acquainted with for the most part, and I got to engage in conversation with a lot of people I've never met. I'm pretty confident in myself and my social skills, so being in a room full of people I've never met (especially if there's alcohol) is like being in a candy store. Fresh blood, man! It's marvelous.
I guess...I guess I'm just missing that spark. It's an odd thing to feel immediately enamored of someone, only to go back to 'not knowing' after the weekend is over and the buzz has cleared.