I haven’t been writing recently because I’m fed up with feeling unfulfilled, stuck in a loop of repetition.
I know what all of my problems are, and each time I mull over a problem and realize that the only solution is waiting...each time I ball my fists and clench my teeth in a searing moment of temporary fury that is quickly swallowed up by the ever deepening pool of my own resolve.
Through the years of playing therapist I’ve done for family and friends, I’ve always held the position that you don’t get to whine about a problem if you know how to fix it but refuse to deploy the solution. Maybe the solution forces you to face a hard truth, or maybe the truth is that having a problem to whine about is more satisfactory than fixing the problem - there’s a bunch of reasons why but I have always had short tolerance for people who ultimately just want to whine and I have not been shy about pointing out to people that that’s where their true problem lies.
But... where do I fall right now? what about the down time?
The ugly awkward limbo that exists in between deploying the solution and feeling that the problem is solved?
I don’t feel like I am just ceaselessly whining to myself in my inner monologues because I feel like I have already taken as much action as I can at this immediate moment.
Now... is that true?
I guess that’s debatable.
Now if I can allow myself a moment of vulnerability... I am hurting because I am caught between multiple rocks and multiple hard places. I have deep visceral feelings and longings (oh to have a little girl’s hair to brush) that have to wait (oh to stand in front of a classroom) and I have no ability to even steer the wheel to get back on track (oh to have control of my life) so all I can do is knit manically to take my mind off of what doesn’t exist (oh to give control of my life to someone else) to the point where I find myself picking mercilessly at my own skin because my fingers can’t hold still (oh to have fingers that could just sit still).
Oh, to have a heart that could just sit still.