As
per usual, the themes of youth and aging and all of the gnarly thoughts
that go along with them are weighing heavy on my shoulders. I can’t
help it though – life seems to swirl me around to the same few historic
spots, over and over again, and each time I visit I can put my fingers
on the layers of time building up.
“This is where you clasped me close, and where we made our dreams.
This is where you said goodbye that first, hardest time.”
This
is where I stood when you came back, present in the moment but also
years away – superimposing the ghosts of other Yous and Mes on top of
us. This is where I stood when you were here but desperate to leave
again, and I am standing here again waiting for you to go back inside.
I
have hardened myself against the knowledge that when you turn to go
inside, I will not follow like the puppy-dog I was at 16. It’s the same
house I slept in alongside your warmth, but we are not the same, and all
of the complicated feelings that grow over years of love and leaving
are hanging in this sticky summer air.
This
time you are slow to go, and I lean against the hood of my car, the
scarlet metal hot on my skin. It is late, past midnight, and I am in a
limbo of waiting for you to go and be done with it but also soaking in
each time you hug me goodbye just to start new conversation. You are
spilling over with things to tell me and I want them all. I want your
words and I want the implication of your words, that I am still someone
your heart wishes to talk with. I am still important, and I am still
someone you want to share with. It is a validation I needed.
Each goodbye hug is longer than the last, bringing us closer to the clasping point of so many years ago.
I
have hardened myself against the departures of the ones I love, giving
them a little of me to take with them for safekeeping... The only
problem is each time you come back only to leave again I give you a
little more, creating pock marks in my heart to add to the already
dimpled and pitted surface, making my heart uneven.
Exposing the
metronomic beating, ticking off the days with rhythmic pounding.
Listen: can you hear it? “Give… Give... Give... Give...”
Growing older means growing more holes, more chunks of my flesh taken by those to whom I happily give.
And give, and give again.
And I don’t mean “give” as in “all I do is give and give and give and everyone just wants to take.”
No, I do not mean that.
I mean “give” as in:
“I carefully prepared this delicious meal that I would like to give to you, so you know I love you.”
I mean “give” as in :
“Do you want this? Let me give it to you.”
I
mean “give” as in:
“I am giving this piece of my heart to you so that
you know that you always have a place here, no matter how long you are
gone.”
I mean “give” as in:
“I am giving in to the forces that keep me apart from the many-splendored and disparate owners of Me.”
This is not a bitter giving – bittersweet, yes.
This is not a giving that I would take back, even though it forces drops of saline down my cheeks.
I will give, and give, and give until I bawl over the magnitude of all of the love I have, all of the loves I have.
In
fact, even as these cheeks puff up from crying and tears track down my
face, I find myself so full. The sadness is just a part of the love, and
I’ll pay the price. Even in times when I feel so very hollow because of
the people I love that are not close to me, when I find myself thinking
of a particular far-away face or a particular far-away memory, I
embrace this agony. Agony may seem harsh but it fits when I picture
people that have left my daily sphere and entered the land of no
communication – how do you speak to someone you can’t see? I am the type
to lapse into silence when faced with distance because I can’t allow
myself to be ok with giving less than 100%. I want to see you, and your
face, and instead of listening now to context clues of how lonely you
have been I would choose to cradle you to sleep when you are sad and
push my fingers into the tense muscles of your face and shoulders. I
want to take care of you. I can’t do that from here, and instead of
still reaching out with the limited grasp I have, well… I shut down
entirely until the blessed second I see you again.
Until the blessed second I can get my fix of you and give you another piece of me to take home.
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